Have you ever tried brushing your teeth with your off hand? It’s like having sudden onset of localized palsy. You’re an absolute surgeon with the dominant hand. You’re conducting a dramatic tooth symphony with that hand. You’re thorough, you’re assertive, you’re a genius. With the off hand, you’re worse than a toddler. You don’t know…
Read MoreHer: Well, love is the best medicine. Him: That’s laughter. Her: Why do you do it? Him: I don’t know. Dialog between Monica and Chandler during a season 6 episode of Friends called “The One with Ross’s Denial”, yes. Also the origin of many a paraphrased interaction between Kristin and I. I am exceedingly precise…
Read More
Pop quiz: What is the item you can seek to purchase at an adult novelty (read: sex toy) store and feel the least amount of shame about? Answer: Fertility friendly personal lubricant. Nothing else even comes close. The lingerie is incredibly trashy, the bachelor/bachelorette party supplies are all patently ridiculous (for those of you resisting…
Read More“When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake. With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything’s far away. Everything’s a copy of a copy of a copy.” – The Narrator, Fight Club. I haven’t slept well since Christmas, maybe before. I honestly can’t remember the last time I slept well consistently. I’m numb….
Read MoreYou know what else is cool about me? My ability to drive in the snow. I don’t know what it is, but I get in a very Zen state where the car and I become one. I’m responsive, but not reactive. I’m focused, but relaxed. Most people drive like timid contestants on Wipeout, just waiting…
Read MoreI quit smoking two years ago, and now I actually have taste. It’s annoying as shit. I taste notes and nuances in everything and can discern subtleties that differentiate a dish between something that’s merely good and something that’s exquisite. I finally understand why my college roommate Keith looked forward to making a fresh salad…
Read MoreThanks to recent events in my professional life, I seem to be made of pure hate these days. I breathe distilled anger and shoot rage out of my glaring, black eye sockets. I’m on the verge of a panic attack roughly 95% of the time and feel my muscles vibrate as the resentment, frustration and…
Read MoreThere’s a special moment in every homeowner’s life where his neighbor emerges from his garage that directly faces yours, and you think: “How have I lived here three goddamn years and never seen this person before?” In my little cluster of townhomes, there are like 64 different residents, and I know maybe four of them….
Read MoreI don’t generally make firm new year’s resolutions for the same reason I don’t make specific plans for when I go on vacation – you only open yourself to disappointment. However, in the spirit of not shitting all over yet another commonly held cultural tradition again, I implore you to take the opportunity a fresh…
Read More