If you were to ask me this weird hypothetical question “You have to eat something right at this very moment, what’ll it be?” every day at a different time each day for a year, I’d bet solid money that more than 35% of the time my answer would be “a spoonful of Jif.”
I cannot seem to get enough peanut butter, ever. This is a fact that has not changed since I was roughly five years old. I ate a peanut butter sandwich every day (except for four days that I can recall with alarming clarity) from the first day of first grade until the last day of sixth grade.
I have certainly graduated in my tastes and grown in my epicurean predilections, but inside of me is still the burning desire to eat like a 3rd grader.
On New Year’s Eve Kristin and I went to the grocery store and picked up some lobster tails and crab legs for a nice holiday dinner (Pro tip: Don’t go to the grocery store on New Year’s Eve). In front of us was a middle-aged woman who seemed to be buying nothing but Tyson Anytizers, Chips Ahoy! cookies, TGI Fridays potato skins, Doritos, Blue Bell ice cream, and a truly obscene amount of Sprite and Dr. Pepper.
I whispered to Kristin, “I want to party at this lady’s house.” Kristin laughed. The woman turned and looked at Kristin. Kristin related what I said. The woman responded, “Heh. Yeah, I have a house full of 10 year-old boys tonight.” I said, “That’s cool, I still eat like a 10 year-old boy, so this looks exceptional.” I couldn’t tell if she found that amusing or if she pitied Kristin. Probably both.
I eat Taco Bell while sober. Tombstone Pizza is still my favorite food on this planet, and remains what I would request (ironically enough considering their old ad campaign) as my last meal if I were ever on death row. I got Hot Tamales in my stocking for Christmas this year, which my father still refers to as “those red things that taste like hell” just as he did when I was 8. I get irrationally excited by the prospect of a soda fountain where you serve yourself even though this is technology I have enjoyed for roughly 20 years. I still think 7-11 has the best nachos. I wish the Mars Company would bring back the PB Max bar.
I am a child when it comes to food.