Alright, so I’ve been dealing with a severe case of writer’s block lately, which explains why there are no blogs either here or on Deft. I’ve felt like I have nothing to say. Literally, NOTHING. I can’t make the words flow for anything non-work related to save my life to the point that it’s hard to remember how I EVER did this. I suspect my workload in terms of both actual paying client work, keeping the podcast wheels turning, raising a one year-old, taking care of an increasingly pregnant wife, and exposing myself to less and less pop culture have all contributed to my lack of production.

Concurrently, I’ve re-embarked on the weight loss journey through Weight Watchers, and it’s been going well! I’m down 11 lbs through 7.5 weeks, and well on my way back to Sexytown. This morning I got an email from Weight Watchers inviting me to participate in some sort of member survey they’re conducting. They want to ask me questions via phone or Skype for 90 minutes, which for some insane reason I’ve agreed to, but first they asked me to fill out a pre-qualifying internet survey. Fine.

So I’m going through it, and it’s all pretty rote. “What are your weight loss goals?” “Do you only use the app, or do you attend meetings as well?” “Have you tried the other features of the Weight Watchers app, or do you just use the points calculator?” Blah, blah, etc. Then I get to the last question, and this is what it says verbatim:

Please take a moment and imagine you are on a river within the Amazon Rainforest. Now describe what you would see in the river and your surroundings?

Ignoring for a moment the second sentence isn’t a question, still, what the fuck?

How would you answer the question presented above? Have fun and be creative!

Here’s a screenshot just so you know I’m not full of shit:

Ok then, Weight Watchers. This question seems like ridiculous nonsense in the context of asking me about my weight loss experience, so if you want me to “have fun and be creative,” here’s a big heaping dose of obnoxious, semi-off topic, bugfuck ridiculousness. This prompt was like manna from heaven. I think my writer’s block is gone.

Below is my honest-to-God response, which I submitted once I got bored of typing, or had to feed the baby breakfast, or whatever happened later this morning. I copied it, and emailed it to myself to save for posterity. I hope Weight Watchers enjoys this response. Or not! I actually couldn’t care less. But here it is for your amusement.

As I float down the Amazon river with Jon Voight, Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez hunting giant snakes in 1997, I ponder the futility of my recent weight loss. The oppressive humidity has rendered my once freshly laundered garments sticky, soggy and extremely attractive to the large cadre of insects ubiquitous in the thick jungle. Were I to ring out this poly-cotton sponge into a bucket and weigh it, I’m certain those 10 lbs I worked so hard to shave off ounces at a time over weeks and weeks would magically disappear all at once thanks to my perpetual sweat, which has had the unfortunate side effect of creating an unquenchable thirst I can never seem to slake despite a barrage of swigs from my trusty canteen and an onslaught of electrolyte-infused Fierce Melon Gatorade, which, as Chuck Klosterman noted in an online blog post for Esquire, is charming because he adores the concept of aggressive fruit.

Yet, these snakes must be slain (or captured, or studied, or mated with each other – I can’t remember the plot of this insipid movie – all I can seem to recall is Ice Cube saying “There’s snakes out there this big?!?! And Jon Voight getting eaten in one giant bite by, like, the Head Snake or whatever, getting barfed back up onto his feet where he’s covered in disgusting goo and then winks at Jennifer Lopez for some reason and then gets eaten again. Side note: Jennifer Lopez later ripped off the hook from The Beatnuts’ seminal hit “Watch Out Now” for her song “Jenny from the Block.”) and pursue we must, fail we cannot.

Why am I doing this again? I had to check the prompt because I’ve been typing this for what feels like forever since I’m on an iPhone. So, ok, back to the Amazon. The current increases with a receding shoreline and decreasing fauna indicating a waterfall a few miles from here. A blue and gold macaw squawks from a nearby tree indicating nearby danger, or, possibly that Koko B.Ware is going to job in the opening match of WrestleMania 6 to The Model Rick Martel. A young Adam Copeland was in that audience, who would later go on to have a WWE Hall of Fame career as Edge (you think you know me).

(Cut ahead 6 hours)

Wow, we killed those snakes, recovered the blood orchid, saved the day, and somehow didn’t ruin Jennifer Lopez’s career. Time for a fresh shirt and a Weight Watchers brand Creamy Chocolate Smoothy.

You’re welcome, Weight Watchers.