You can divide the world into two types of people, he said, aware that he was beginning his blog post with an incredibly hoary old cliché.
There are those who enjoy drinking an occasional beer while in the shower, and those who are simply too boring, too uncreative, or too repressed to live their lives to the fullest.
I am proud to be part of the former camp, which is why I’m also proud to unveil to you the best way to enhance your shower beer experience. Ladies and gentlemen… this is the Shakoolie.
In 2012, I wrote this for my old website. My old writing partner Jason and I haven’t written anything new for that site in over a year, but the archives are still up, and our SEO has always been phenomenal (Thanks, Zach!).
So I get an email from a guy named Phil. Phil is one of the co-founders of the Shakoolie, the original shower beer can cooler. Phil wants me to review his product on my website. I inform Phil that our website is no longer operational, but that I’d be happy to review it for Eks Axis. Phil basically decides “Fuck it, why not?” and sends me one. And now we’re up to speed.
When you get your Shakoolie in the mail, you’re conflicted. On one hand, you sort of want to forget whatever it is you’re doing and start drinking beer in the shower. That’s a nice impulse to have. But it’s also wildly impractical if you’re, as I am, a functioning adult with a ton of shit to do every day and can’t just put your life on hold to consume alcohol during a shower you probably don’t need to take at that exact moment.
So instead, you simply apply the sticker (called the “launch pad” in Shakoolie lingo) to your dry shower wall, and attach the koozie with the Velcro on it to the launch pad with the opposite Velcro on it. When your wife complains that it’s a sticker instead of a suction cup, you calmly explain to her that if she weren’t some bizarre weirdo who didn’t grow up with parakeets that liked to accompany you in the shower, that she’d know suction cups don’t adhere forever, and in fact, sort of eat hog when it comes to sticking to anything. And when you consider how much more a beer can weighs compared to a tiny little adorable tropical bird, suction cups would be wholly insufficient. For more details about the Shakoolie, visit the product page.
So the day comes when I can finally utilize my Shakoolie. I choose the Saturday after the Highland Running of the Bulls. It’s perfect. You’ve woken up early to run a 1k race (yes, 1k) and get hit by roller derby chicks in order to raise money for a terrific local charity. For your trouble, you get a free t-shirt, a breakfast burrito, and a beer. If the natural extension of that morning does not include drinking beer in the shower, I don’t know what does.
So I get home, grab a Mama’s Little Yella Pils (pilsner always tastes best after physical exertion), and head off to the shower. I put the can in the Shakoolie, and after an ill-fated attempt at a selfie of myself drinking this thing which yielded one of the stranger faces I’ve ever made in my life (this photo will likely never see the light of day – hence you get another shot of the Shakoolie solo), I proceed on with my shower.
I’ve drank many shower beers in my time, many after great sex, and the vast majority of them were excellent. What really set this shower beer apart, and the one after the Running of the Bulls was undeniably transcendent, and why the Shakoolie is so brilliant, is that a koozie makes the two parts of the delight of shower beers work even more harmoniously.
I noticed the top of my beer can, that little sliver of yellow you can see above the koozie part of the Shakoolie, got the serious can sweats. And why shouldn’t it? I take my showers hot as fuck, even in the summer, which is moronic. Yet my beer stayed nice and refreshingly cool all the way until it was finished. When I popped the can out of its Shakoolie, no beer sweats at all, and still cool to the touch, like it hadn’t been in some Central American Jungle muttering if it bleeds, we can kill it,which is a real problem with most of the rest of my shower beers.
At the conclusion of my Shakoolie shower, I went to open my shower curtain, and the whole fucking thing fell down (the shower curtain – not the Shakoolie. The Shakoolie holds LIKE A FUCKING BOSS). Whenever your shower curtain falls down you just stand there feeling like a helpless, naked ape. I suspect this is unrelated to the Shakoolie and do not hold it responsible.
In conclusion, the Shakoolie is a wholly worthy addition to your thriving alcoholism. I was sent mine for free, but the $9.95 you pay for a Shakoolie and launch pad is great value and well worth the investment if you’re currently enjoying shower beers in a totally amateur, half-assed way. Some people might give you shit for having what’s basically a koozie stuck to the wall of your shower. I say, fuck those people. Make new friends. Enjoy your shower beer.