In a former life, I used to rant and rave about how much I hated

I still hate it considering that site is nothing more than reductive, unnuanced claptrap written by a team of remarkably stupid and sexist chimpanzees. While researching a piece I was writing, I felt somewhat vindicated in my assumptions about what I presumed was the site’s readership when the 2nd most searched term on the front page was “sexless marriage.”

Therefore, I wonder. I wonder if some of the apes from this website have created a recent DirecTV commercial.

In it, a woman emerges from her shower to find a giant digital box, evidently her DVR has become self aware and omnipotent, waiting in her bathroom informing her there is a recording conflict between two shows she would like to record. She and the husband have some cursory exposition about the inconvenience of this product, and the woman finally asserts, “I just feel like it’s watching me walk around naked.” The man turns around, annoyed, and retorts pointedly, “Well at least somebody gets to.” He exits the frame frustratedly and somewhat mockingly brushing his teeth.

I realize to many people this reads as a comedy, but holy fuck does it make me sad. That’s a huge bathroom which tells me these folks are doing fine despite the recent downturn in the economy, they’re not very old, and they both appear to be in terrific shape. Why aren’t they fucking each other?

Dude, your wife started this little scene naked in the shower. If she’s been cuckolding you with the latest episodes of “Diva Dentists” (apparently, according to the commercial), get the hell in the shower, tell her how gorgeous she looks, that you must have her now, and then surprise her by sticking your tongue in her ass. Be the better man, and give your wife a reason to climb aboard your greasy love rocket, next stop Funky Town.

Stop with this passive aggressive shit. You are too young to be in a sexual rut like this.

UPDATE: Compare the depressing-as-hell couple discussed above with the couple in the Samsung Galaxy S3 commercial. In it, a man leaves his wife and two cute little girls for a business trip. As he climbs into a cab, the girls run up to him and proclaim, “Daddy, we made you a video! You should watch it on the plane!” His wife presses her phone to his like two palms touching between prison visitors’ glass, and the video is transferred. Just before the cab pulls away, she re-approaches the cab and transfers another video from her phone to her husband’s and says, “I made you a video too… You probably shouldn’t watch it on the plane.” Her eyebrows raise coyly, and he pulls away satisfied at what a sweet, but oh-so-dirty girl his wife is.

Oh, fuck yes! This is what I’m talking about. DirecTV couple could learn a couple of things from Samsung Galaxy S3 couple. Despite having two kids, which in Cliche Advertising Archetype Land, usually equals ritual celibacy, you’ve got a hot woman still putting on some ribald display of her burning desire to tent her husband’s dorky chinos.

This is what marriage should be. Not some passive aggressive asshole in his bathrobe hatefucking his teeth with toothpaste because his coldfish wife hides her goodies from him, but a wife making her traveling husband a dirty video because what the hell, they’re still retarded for each other even with two kids who no doubt make the entire house cluttered and sticky.

Good on you, Samsung.

3 comments on “Sexless

  1. Lee S. Hart says:

    Recently I have found myself curious about the writers or creators and what they may be thinking as they create television, movies, and ads. This is no exception. As you pointed out the intent here was comedy which leaves me to believe that the person who wrote that is either in his own sexless marriage, was told to change it to that by someone in a sexless marriage, or is just playing to a trope we have become too familiar with. This notion that life after marriage is fucking terrible. We are spoon-fed this idea a lot so it wouldn’t surprise me if they were writing to that.
    While I agree with Jon and hate this commercial, I feel the need to play devil’s advocate here and find a deeper level to the commercial. It can be viewed as DirecTV saying the people who don’t have DirecTV but rather some shit cable are the same kind of people who passive aggressively complain about the lack of nudity they get from their wives. Your lack of banging isn’t necessarily connected to your cable/satellite choice but rather the type of people who live their life like this are the type of people who would opt for this, in DirecTV’s opinion, inferior television choice.
    Either way, yes this is a sad pathetic couple and they could stand to be more like that couple in the Samsung ad where it’s implied she made a sex video for him on her phone. Now that’s a good marriage.

  2. Bard says:

    Man. I cannot agree more. Excellent points

  3. Deuce says:

    Cluttered and sticky, indeed.

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