The story tells of a Pennsylvania woman who sues the previous owners of her house for failing to disclose that one year earlier, a man named Konstantinos Koumboulis (which is so over the top in its Greekiness, it sounds made up) shot himself and his wife in the master bedroom (or they died of olives, or Ouzo, or bankruptcy after hosting Olympics).
The woman’s lawyer argues “having a horrific event occur within a property can be just as damaging and troubling to a future homeowner as a physical defect, or perhaps even more so.”
And I’m here to argue this is fucking stupid.
“Having a gunshot murder-suicide committed within the home is much more devastating than having a small leak concealed by the previous homeowner,” the lawyer continues. “Physical defects can be fixed. Troubling events that could and did occur in this home could never go away.”
Are you serious? You know what costs money? Fixing physical defects. You know what doesn’t? Ignoring that some crazy Greek asshole shot himself and his old lady and then moving on with your life in your huge $600,000 house that roughly 60% of the US population can’t afford. That’s totally free. Dealing with a small leak that caused your fucking wood to rot costs up to thousands of dollars you can’t afford and forces you to hire a union plumber who will bend your ass over and jam a crescent wrench up it before actually fixing the problem, that this crazy person alleges is not nearly as bad as a bit of psychological discomfort.
You live in a murder house. So what? You know what else you call that? A goddamn fucking house. A house with windows, indoor plumbing, and all that other housy goodness which includes a roof to put over your stupid head.
If you’re a fan of Drew Magary, and lord knows I am, you’ll remember that he’s covered this before, and only a month and a half ago. The lead question of his Funbag is, “Would you live in a murder house even if it were a huge bargain?” He answers thusly:
Hell, yes. I wish real estate website had an option to search ONLY for murder homes, because you know they’re such good value. I want murder houses, molester houses, bankruptcy houses—why be a sucker who pays full price for marble countertops when you can get murder countertops for half the price? Plus, the murder part would help keep out unwanted houseguests. “Oh, you want to stay an extra day? No no, that’s fine. Oh hey, did I ever tell you about the man who was strangled to death in your room?”
There is no part of that response I disagree with. But back to the original article, and we find out they’ve been living in this fucking place since goddamn 2007. Really? “Troubling events that could and did occur in this home could never go away.” Apparently they can for more than five years while the justice system decides if you’re a twat or not. The fact they’ve lived there for five years should render this whole argument null and void. It’s not been so catastrophic they’re willing to leave at any cost, nor has the crazy feta-soaked ghost of Santorini Murderopolis come back to haunt them.
Honestly, I think this woman is pissed off that she didn’t get the murder house discount and has to live with the shame of knowing that she could have (and should have) talked 20% off her purchase price, but didn’t. When buying a home, knowing you’re getting screwed on price is enough to make you want to kill someone.