While eating some frozen entrée for lunch the other day that served as mere delivery device for the bottle of Sriracha I keep in my desk, I read this.

The story tells of a Pennsylvania woman who sues the previous owners of her house for failing to disclose that one year earlier, a man named Konstantinos Koumboulis (which is so over the top in its Greekiness, it sounds made up) shot himself and his wife in the master bedroom (or they died of olives, or Ouzo, or bankruptcy after hosting Olympics).

The woman’s lawyer argues “having a horrific event occur within a property can be just as damaging and troubling to a future homeowner as a physical defect, or perhaps even more so.”

And I’m here to argue this is fucking stupid.

“Having a gunshot murder-suicide committed within the home is much more devastating than having a small leak concealed by the previous homeowner,” the lawyer continues. “Physical defects can be fixed. Troubling events that could and did occur in this home could never go away.”

Are you serious? You know what costs money? Fixing physical defects. You know what doesn’t? Ignoring that some crazy Greek asshole shot himself and his old lady and then moving on with your life in your huge $600,000 house that roughly 60% of the US population can’t afford. That’s totally free. Dealing with a small leak that caused your fucking wood to rot costs up to thousands of dollars you can’t afford and forces you to hire a union plumber who will bend your ass over and jam a crescent wrench up it before actually fixing the problem, that this crazy person alleges is not nearly as bad as a bit of psychological discomfort.

You live in a murder house. So what? You know what else you call that? A goddamn fucking house. A house with windows, indoor plumbing, and all that other housy goodness which includes a roof to put over your stupid head.

If you’re a fan of Drew Magary, and lord knows I am, you’ll remember that he’s covered this before, and only a month and a half ago. The lead question of his Funbag is, “Would you live in a murder house even if it were a huge bargain?” He answers thusly:

Hell, yes. I wish real estate website had an option to search ONLY for murder homes, because you know they’re such good value. I want murder houses, molester houses, bankruptcy houses—why be a sucker who pays full price for marble countertops when you can get murder countertops for half the price? Plus, the murder part would help keep out unwanted houseguests. “Oh, you want to stay an extra day? No no, that’s fine. Oh hey, did I ever tell you about the man who was strangled to death in your room?”

There is no part of that response I disagree with. But back to the original article, and we find out they’ve been living in this fucking place since goddamn 2007. Really? “Troubling events that could and did occur in this home could never go away.” Apparently they can for more than five years while the justice system decides if you’re a twat or not. The fact they’ve lived there for five years should render this whole argument null and void. It’s not been so catastrophic they’re willing to leave at any cost, nor has the crazy feta-soaked ghost of Santorini Murderopolis come back to haunt them.

Honestly, I think this woman is pissed off that she didn’t get the murder house discount and has to live with the shame of knowing that she could have (and should have) talked 20% off her purchase price, but didn’t. When buying a home, knowing you’re getting screwed on price is enough to make you want to kill someone.

5 comments on “Murderhouse

  1. Gutter says:

    This is something that I never really considered before a couple years ago when a person just a couple houses down from us shot himself and his 3 year old child. I know that when I go to buy my next house I will be putting the address into Google to see if any news stories pop up.
    All other factors being equal if I was choosing between two houses I would definitely avoid the house where a murder took place, not that I believe in ghosts, but be honest, the first time you were home alone in that house and it was quiet and you heard the house creak you would crap your pants wondering if the murdered guy wanted his house back, like Beetlejuice.

  2. Lee S. Hart says:

    I agree with you on this, but I have a lot of questions about the situation as a whole. You mention that it was a murder/suicide, would it have made a difference to the woman if it had just been a suicide? Or what about people dying from non-murder? Like if someone has a heart attack, does that make a difference to her? Also, does the murder technique matter? Like if the husband stabbed his wife then slit his wrist would that be different than him using a gun? Or if he used poisoned Ouza? It seems like there is different level of murders (which is why we use lethal inject instead of the guillotine) so what role does that play in her stupid mind and lawsuit? Maybe I should contact this lady’s lawyer and get an idea for all possible scenarios.

  3. Lee S. Hart says:

    Apparently I have lots of thoughts about this whole thing and I sorta hate myself for it, but Gutter beings up a good point, he said he’ll be Googling his next potential house. Let’s do our own research of a major purchase instead of relying on the person who is trying to get our money. When you sell something do you mention the things that are going to mar the sale? No, you wait for the buyer to broach it. Fuck this lady for not asking if the house was part of a crime scene. I hope her next home was once a neo-Nazi headquarters.

  4. Jon Eks says:

    Gutter: As long as I’m getting the murder house discount, all other things being equal, I take the murder house 100 times out of 100. This does not apply to the former meth house. Under no circumstances do you buy the former meth house.

    Hart: Due diligence is important. I think in my next purchase, I’ll take the direct approach. I look forward to the real estate agent’s face when I ask plainly, “So this is a nice place. Is it a murder house?”

  5. Deuce says:

    You’re spot on Jon, you have to ask plainly if it was murder house so they’re forced to disclose it. You’d never be able to google an address because most news stories don’t print the exact address where a crime occured, at best you’d get the street and block. On our disclosure sheet when we sold our house, “meth lab” was its own specific line item, “murder commited” was not. There’s no way I disclose the murder unless the buyer asks specifically.

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