When I used to make fun of old people and the mere concept of drinking fiber, I did not realize I would be heckling myself at age 29.
That’s when I started on The ‘Muce (or Metamucil, for those you not hip enough yet – and, ok, no, I’ve never actually referred to Metamucil as “The ‘Muce,” but am starting right now). It’s now been over two years of taking daily fiber, and I’m here to tell you I should have started this in college. It’s fucking great.
Without getting too gross about this, The ‘Muce basically turns your body into a Swiss watch. And not that I suffered any gastrointestinal problems before, it’s just that now the trains run reliably on time in a way I neither could have predicted nor even appreciated a scant three years ago. Predictability, in life as in business planning, is key to success.
Granted, starting a fiber regimen is not without peril. Those first few days are fairly alarming as your system gets bombarded with big ol’ spoonfuls of pure psyllium fiber it never had before and proceeds in a grand scale renovation of your digestive tract. Everybody out! We’re redecorating in here! And sometimes you wonder, Good lord, will this ever stop? Have I lost 30 pounds today? How horrified can I become of what my own body is capable of?
Both of our moms are proud of Kristin and me for starting this early, as a fiber regimen apparently lowers cholesterol thereby reducing our risk of heart disease. That type of proactive approach to health is not something I’m generally known for, so yay. But there is still stigma attached to The ‘Muce, so let’s fix that. Here are some suggestions for moving this brand beyond its crusty old origins and into the consciousness of cool people:
- At your next cocktail party, when making a Cosmopolitan, substitute Grand Marnier or Triple Sec for The ‘Muce. Vodka, cranberry, lime, and a spoonful of ‘Muce shaken and poured into a chilled martini glass. It’ll be a bit grainy, but your patrons will thank you for a great buzz, and the nice kick the next morning.
- Orange bars – like lemon bars, but with ‘Muce instead of, I don’t know baking, like flour and lemons or whatever. Bring them to the company Christmas party. Debbie from accounting will rave about these, and you’ll be proud to help keep her actuarial heart healthy.
- Are those sprinkles on my Haagen-Dazs? Nope, that’s orange flavored psyllium fiber! Delicious!
- Remember Fun Dip? New orange Muce flavor is now good for digestive health too!
- And if all else fails, get fashion models to cut their cocaine with it and tell them they’ll poop themselves thin. The ‘Muce will become the hottest trend from Milan to Paris to New York. Plus, who can say no to orange flavored cocaine?
Or you could just be a normal person, drink a glass of it in the morning, and enjoy the benefits. But sometimes it’s hard to get through to you, Joe Cool.