Jon in 2004 looking a tubby dipshit in just so many ways.

Jon in 2004 looking like a tubby dipshit in just so many ways.

It’s been 10 years since I graduated from Colorado State University with a B.A. in Speech Communication. And since it’s graduation season, I thought it a nice opportunity to reflect on what I was like then versus what I’m like today. Also, I saw that new X-Men movie over the weekend (it kicked ass), and thus I’m all aflutter with time travel possibilities as well. I just need Kitty Pryde to do Reiki on my temples apparently, and I’ll be able to deliver this letter to my dipshit self.

So, here’s the letter I’d send to 2004 me (pictured above).

Dear Jonny X,

Congratulations on finishing college and deciding to attend graduate school the following Fall. This is a wise choice as you are not ready for the working world in any way whatsoever – in terms of maturity, work ethic, relationship management, sensitivity to others, emotionally, or in terms of dressing yourself and not looking like a fucking idiot in places where actual business is conducted. See the photo below for evidence where you went to the fucking KCSU staff dinner dressed in dirty jeans and a Flogging Molly t-shirt. Thank you for not embarrassing yourself in an office setting.

kcsu staff dinner

You will still freak out about graduate school because you’re an enormous gash. You’ll figure it out and do well, but not without some intense (and unneeded) hand-wringing and fraught calls to your parents wondering whether or not you can handle it. Forgive me for laughing at you as life only gets harder from here and your fear about going on with school – which you’ve done for 16 years already – in a department where you excel – and they’re paying – is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

A few quick spoilers: They bring back “Family Guy” but it’s not as funny now, and yes, it’s still on. Tarantino only makes 3 new films in the next 10 years – a stupid horror movie that’s boring, a WWII movie that will melt your face, and a Western-style movie about slavery that’s fucking great as well. Deuce marries Natalie. Gutter marries Michelle. Keith marries a woman you haven’t met yet, but who’s awesome. Jamie marries a woman you haven’t met yet either, who is also awesome, and their wedding is in Italy. You attend. It’s fun as hell.

I’ll bet you’re wondering about your own marital status. Well, right now you’re keeping a checklist of all the weird and specific things your next serious girlfriend will have to do, be, or have. You think it’s an impossible checklist, which is a defense mechanism that I totally understand and support. Keep this list. You will meet a woman who fulfills all the requirements, even though you thought you built something that would keep you alone forever. But she loves red meat, knows how to drive a stick shift, likes punk rock, drinks beer (like a fucking champion), thinks your friends are funny, is smarter than you, tries to steal Tron’s Tenacious D cumrag off the wall of his room because she finds it hilarious, and has an incredible rack to boot. You will marry this woman. And she’s going to enter your life sooner than you think or are prepared for.

And here are a few random blasts:

– In 2014, hipster culture is amazing. You’d hate my guts if you knew some of the things I’m into right now, but your taste is so shitty, I couldn’t possibly give a fuck less about your opinion. You’ll figure it out.

– Speaking of which, the sooner you get over your weird food anxiety, the happier you become. So do this as soon as possible. You won’t, but you should.

– Further to this point, once you learn to fucking eat like a grownup, you actually lose weight and appear skinny in photos. I know! It’s like we always dreamed. And all it takes is your palate opening up and learning simple portion control. It’s not that hard, but you’ll still spend your entire 20s fat. Not fat enough to actually make a lifestyle change, but fat nevertheless.

– You don’t have to hate something just because it’s popular.

– You’re a smart guy, but seriously, give it a rest. Your intelligence will shine through when you learn to take prime opportunities to shut the fuck up.

– I know you think your haircut will suit you forever… it won’t. And you won’t miss it once you change it.

– You will have that Honda Civic for a long time. It’s good value.

– You work for corporate America now, which… I know. But it won’t last forever… I don’t think.

Overall, the next 10 years are good. You get married, you own your own home, you get paid well, and you’re happy. There are tough times, but the good far outweighs the bad. You won’t ever see this letter, but that’s good. You wouldn’t believe me anyway, and even if you did, you learn too much in those times that I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you.

See you in 2014.



See? Skinny! And still drinking! You're just fine!

See? Skinny! And still drinking! You’re just fine!

P.S. Don’t freak out, but you also finally have a baby on the way. Just thought I’d leave you with a little 23 year-old panic. But it’s okay, you want this. Badly.

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