Most nights as I wind down, I absent-mindedly scroll through Buzzfeed because the content is not challenging, and I’m looking to clear my crowded head from all the noise rattling around inside it. Most Buzzfeed content is terrible (and not even all that well-curated), but there is a shitload of it, and there’s something to be said for that. You just churn right through it without a thought, and keep moving until the next thing you know, zzzzzzzz….
You’ve got to figure there will come a point where Buzzfeed will have written about absolutely everything there is to write about, and there will simply be no more quizzes, no more listicles, and no more stupid ass .gifs from marginal CW shows to share.
And I think we’re already there. Last night on Buzzfeed was this quiz: 28 Signs You Grew Up In Sarasota, Florida. Seriously? This is a town of approximately 53,000 people. You know who wrote this? Some hard up recent j-school grad who can’t find work and desperately had to bang out a list, but was disappointed to find “Which One Tree Hill Character Are You?” was already taken, (I have never seen this show, had no idea this quiz existed, but took a shot, and hey-o, it does!), and then cobbled together some half-assed bullshit about where they grew up. Then a lazy editor took this idea, loaded it up onto the frontpage, and went back to Redtube because it’s Buzzfeed, and who gives a shit?
If it’s this easy to get clicks – hell, I clicked on it out of sheer incredulity – why am I not doing this for myself? What follows are a bunch of subject headings for the Buzzfeedization of my own life. Enjoy!
The Top 2 Locations of Sriracha in my Home and Office
Am I Mostly Swedish? (Spoiler: Yes, I am)
How To Tell if I Still Like Punk Rock
Did I Remember to Buy Cat Litter Last Week?
The 53 Stages of Grief You Experience When They Close the Wok ‘N Roll Across the Street From Your Office That Was Awesome and Sometimes the Only Goddamn Thing You Looked Forward To At Work
Which Room Am I Sitting In?
Which Cat Is Meowing Right Now? The Answer May Surprise You…
Which Chris Jericho Action Figure Are You?
26 of My Favorite Letters of the Alphabet
Are You Sure I’m Mostly Swedish? (Spoiler: Yes, I still am)
If You Were Inside My Laundry Hamper, Do You Think Larry and Piper Get Back Together in Season 2 of Orange is the New Black? (No spoilers, please)
22 Reasons I Will Never Give a Shit About Game of Thrones No Matter How Much You Try To Convince Me Otherwise
How Much Will My Dry Cleaning Bill Be This Week?
My Top 5 Sumac-Related Google Searches (They all have to do with killing them)
Is Tommy Bahama Ed Hardy’s Dad?
157 Reasons Your Wife Is Probably Sorry She Encouraged You To Get WWE Network
Will We Hang Out This Weekend? (The only answer to this quiz is “probably not.” Fucking adulthood)
Which Color Label of Mission Tortilla Are You?
How Many of These Items Do You Have in Your Kitchen, Too?
Why Can’t We Ever Just Throw Away Beer Caps? An Inside Look at Compulsion
Will This Fucking Guy Ever Start on our Garage Re-Model?
Whatever Happened to Rufus – That Guy Whose Picture We Randomly Had on the Fridge of our Old Condo? 44 Hair Raising Theories…
Despite Growing Up With Vinyl, Why Don’t My Parents Understand Why We Like Vinyl?
Are You Staring in My Window Right Now?
Are You Sure?
78 Soundgarden Songs You’ll Hear on SiriusXM’s Lithium Channel on the Way to Work Next Week
Are You Positive I’m Mostly Swedish (Spoiler: Goddammit, yes. Shut up.)
The Top 11 Times My Roommates Thought My College Radio Show Was On
Which Member of the 1989 Chicago Cubs Are You?
17 Signs Your Wife Is Going To Tell You To Roll Over Because You’re Snoring
Will We Ever Stop Picking Up Cat Hair? (No.)
The Top 1 Brand of Toothpaste in the Medicine Cabinet
The Top 96 Reasons To Watch Only the Last 5 Episodes of Breaking Bad. (Spoiler: All 96 reasons are to annoy people.)
Will This List Ever End?
Yes. Have a happy Friday and a good weekend!