Boondocks

Geek Bowl VIII happened in Austin this past weekend, and sadly, unlike last year, we did not journey to Austin and participate in the country’s largest pub quiz. And although the never ending laugh riot zaniness of adulthood has prevented us from attending our usual weekly trivia as regularly as we used to, I cannot stare at this ad that hangs above the urinal any longer without comment.

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I’ve never been to the Boondocks, but since I travel up and down I-25 probably at least once a week, I pass it frequently and am always tempted by the urge to blow off whatever dipshit appointment I’m on the way to and just ride go-karts all afternoon and load up on candy and soda until they have to call my wife because they’re closing and she has to pick me up like I’m 9 years old or something. It’s a very odd and specific fantasy, but a persistent one nevertheless.

So, as an ad that hangs above a urinal, it’s largely unremarkable. However, I always smile when I see the little stamp that says “Team Building” because I’m reminded of my former job where I was a member of the Staff Development Committee and damn near had an excursion to this place planned as one of our social activities. Our senior leadership was a quite a bit older than the support staff, so I adored the idea of making these stiff squares play bumper boats and laser tag and shit all afternoon with the rest of the 20-somethings who were just happy not to be media pitching (or whatever the hell) that day.

Anyway, the thing that bothers me about this ad is when I focus on one particular area of it. Specifically, right here:

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Two minor notes before we get to the big problem with this photo:

1. The woman in red driving the go-kart looks like a chick I dated for nearly three years a decade ago. It’s not her, but given that painted chick on the booze cruise from the last article, I’m tired of seeing likenesses of women I’ve dated on bathroom walls.

2. The guy on the left in the hoodie holding the toy gun looks a lot like Daniel Tosh, doesn’t he? I know it’s not, but wouldn’t it be weird if it were? Like those Will Ferrell Old Milwaukee commercials in Davenport, IA? Just never mention it, but appear in a shitty bathroom billboard ad for a local entertainment center just to fuck with people? That would be awesome.

No, the real problem here is how that woman who’s putting is standing. That’s like the worst putting stance ever. Her feet are WAY BACK from the ball, which has caused her posture to take on a nice Mr. Burns quality to it. Her left arm is bent like at an angle that would be appropriate if this poor girl had size 38 F sized boobs, and the right arm is straight as an arrow, which has got her upper body doing a stellar impression of the top half of the letter “K.”

Then you look at her right hand. WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS SHE DOING WITH HER RIGHT HAND? She’s got her hand around the front of the fucking club like she’s gearing up to swing the thing back up into her yatch. That is the only direction she can go where that grip makes any sense whatsoever. Her left handed grip looks largely fine, but only in the same way that Dale Earnhardt’s shoes were probably still comfortable when he hit that wall at Daytona.

And I’m no Tom Kite, or whoever the kids’ favorite golf pro is these days, but I’m pretty sure standing at that weird ass wide angle with the club face open approximately 450 degrees away from the proper perpendicular angle required for normal Earth putting is not recommended technique. She’s roughly two inches from the cup and with the mechanics she’s got lined up for this put, approximately a 0.08% chance of making it.

And then who is this assdick in the polo shirt with her? This is clearly a first date because there’s no way anyone who’s been dating for any length of time doesn’t call her out on this idiotic stance and probably incite a fight, depending on what kind of couple they are. He’s hoping to talk her out of those sensible Keds and score a little over the purple top action, or, assuming he buys her the right flavor of Fanta, perhaps a little HJ. I’ve got news for you, guy, judging by the clueless grip on that putter, things will not break your way, and you’ll likely find yourself disappointedly burping the worm later that night. Golf is a cruel game.

The lesson, as always, advertising is not your friend, and remember to keep your head down while at the urinal.

1 comment on “Boondocks

  1. Deuce says:

    Two thoughts. I love that you reference Tom Kite, maybe he should make a surprise appearance in this ad a la Daniel Tosh. My other thought is that if this couple really is on their first date, that guy should be all over that girl, standing behind her with his arms around her helping with her grip. She’s likely doing this Simple Jack style stance and grip in order to get him to make a move and he’s too dopey to realize. He apparently needs to crouch down to read the slope of the green, I mean the slope of the green carpeted concrete, as if he’s Mickelson’s caddie at the Open championship last year.

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