A few days ago I pulled into my work garage, and right in front of me was this piece of shit parked in parts of four spaces (Four!) right next to the elevators. I thought, “Real nice, asshole!” as I walked by, which, unintentionally, also makes the case for the importance of commas because that statement reads much differently without one.
The next day, it was still parked there. The following day too. And the day after that. Cars would park where they could around this abandoned shitheap since this garage is crowded as fuck. While initially I was annoyed every time I walked past it (this was in the morning, as I went to work, after all), after several days of no movement whatsoever, I became concerned for the safety of the driver because people don’t just leave their cars like this.
So instead of bumming myself out thinking about all the awful hypotheticals of what might have happened to the driver (They were taken! Where’s my boy Liam Neesons when you need him?!), let’s brainstorm some fun hypotheticals about why someone would just up and leave their busted ass whip all askew in a parking garage.
* Let’s start with the obvious… Weed is legal now in Colorado. So, where did we park again?
* Shame at such a horrendous park job leading to abandonment rather than having to face whoever happens to be down there at the time of return. Understandable. This is easily the worst park job I’ve seen, maybe ever.
* The return of El Nino.
* Warehouse rave (those still happen, right?).
* Sudden manifestation of X-Men-like mutant powers rendering the need for a car obsolete. So, Angel, basically, as long as we’re not talking about Angel’s crappy characterization from the 3rd X-Men movie. Because thinking about that movie’ll just bum you out again, which is what we’re seeking to avoid here.
* Alien abduction (w/o anal probes)
* Alien abduction (w/anal probes because I like to imagine this person as sexually adventurous)
* Bert Kreischer was on the 16th Street Mall again doing “Trip Flip,” this person accepted, and during filming in Jamaica, absconded to the Blue Mountains with some Rastafarians and is now high as shit on awesome weed. Bert Kreischer remains butt hurt about Jay Mohr stealing his Tracy Morgan joke.
* They lost their clothes like Lt. Proctor in Police Academy 3, and are now slinging drinks at the Blue Oyster Bar.
* Mime bankrobbing cartel, recruiting new members.
* Mime abduction.
* Mime chase.
* Mime murder cover-up.
* Mime College.
* Mime orgy.
* A Mexican drug mule no longer needed this cover vehicle.
* Long impromptu vacation to the Seychelles, which is on the other side of the goddamn world and you want me to MOVE MY CAR?! HOW? OSMOSIS??? YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE, BUDDY!
* Finally installing iOS 7, and it’s taking for goddamn ever, like always.
* Stuck on an escalator (or a blond or Polish joke, as the case may be).
* Telling Lenny about the rabbits, George.
* Beamed back up because they were able to get that species of whale back to the future, or whatever the fuck they were doing in Star Trek IV. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. Being married will ruin your ability to watch whatever you want whenever you want.
* And the most obvious answer:
This is actually Jason Bourne’s car, like in the first Bourne movie when he and that hot chick who he gives a startingly good haircut to race around Paris in the Yugo and escape into the parking garage and the cops don’t find it until like 3 days later. I’ll be expecting Chris Cooper and his incompetent federal agents any day now.
Yeah, that’s what we’ll go with. This is totally Jason Bourne’s car. And that makes my Friday. Feel free to put your own guesses in the comments.