You know how horses can take a dump while they’re running or walking, but the same is not true of peeing?

I assume the same is true for humans given that I’ve seen Raab Himself shit himself while running full speed on one of those old CKY videos, which is just about the only proof I think I’m prepared to handle on the subject.

(Quick aside: For those of you who don’t know, i.e. any woman reading this right now, CKY stands for “Camp Kill Yourself” and was the project of professional asshole Bam Margera and his gang of idiots before joining up with Johnny Knoxville for “Jackass.” Yes, you would likely hate these videos.)

The reason I bring this up is because like every good employee, sometimes you just need to retreat to the can for a bit to read the internet or play some stupid phone game or just take a few minutes to collect your thoughts in solitude. That is, until the weird British guy from accounting comes in and ruins everything and how the fuck do we have the same bathroom schedule every day – change your rhythm, Mike! You’re wrecking my time alone!

Lately I’ve been using my alone time to play Temple Run, which is hideously addictive and impossible to win. The guy runs forever and never escapes with the idol. In other words, it’s a perfect bathroom game. This has replaced Bejeweled in my time waster du jour, which usurped Tiny Wings, which took over for Angry Birds, which now feels like a game I played a lifetime ago.

(Another quick aside: Kristin replaced her phone which made her lose all of her Bejeweled high scores making me King Bejeweled Shit in our house for a brief moment. I’m sure she’s since obliterated my piddly accomplishments, but I’m too afraid to look and enjoy the bliss of ignorance. Champion!)

What I’ve realized is that while I had no trouble *ahem* multitasking while playing Bejeweled, I cannot for the life of me make the pee-pee while the guy is running in Temple Run. It’s impossible. I try, nothing happens. The game ends, flow like the Mighty Mississippi. You can’t even pretend to run, if you’re trying to go #1. The brain is an amazingly weird organ.

I’m tempted to tie this revelation into some insight about the veracity of Marshall McLuhan’s thesis “the medium is the message,” Roland Barthes’ discussion of semiotics and Jean Beaudrillard’s theory of simulacra and simulation, but in reality, that’s giving too much credit to an essay I just wrote about playing a free phone game while on the toilet.