Reasonable representation of Jon Eks in a tux.

Two years ago I bought a tuxedo because I have a job where owning a tuxedo will ultimately result in net cost savings on account of having to wear a tuxedo more than once a year. I have more than paid off this investment.

Tomorrow I have to put on my tuxedo and make small talk with rich strangers about god knows what, and while the event looks like it should be an above average time – at least when measured against other times in which I have had to put on my tuxedo – I am not generally looking forward to it. Nothing will put you in a sourpuss mood quite like riding the wave of a stressful workweek into a Saturday of having to get all gussied up and putting on your monkeysuit to do some shit for work.

However, instead of pouting about it and getting pissy about how the bar, like every hotel, will have shitty, below-average call liquors that cause you to settle for Canadian Club Whiskey all night, I’ve decided to use this as an opportunity.

Comedy lurks everywhere, so why not figure out how to inject it into an event you otherwise don’t especially give a shit about? Therefore, this article is dedicated to brainstorming the weidest and most awkward sentences you could say to someone you’re making small talk with while wearing a tuxedo. What will kick them off their axis just a bit? And feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments section. Happy Friday!

“When you ordered the WWE Network, which pay-per-view did you download first? I re-watched NWA Great American Bash ’89 mostly for the Sting-Muta match.”

“What’s your preferred remedy for diarrhea?”

“Want some Cheese Nips?” (pulls out a baggie of Cheese Nips)

“Who do you think would win in a fight, Mr. Clean or the Brawny Paper Towel Man?”

“My wife had to help me get these suspenders untangled.”

“You know who I could really do without? Minorities.”

“Will the rental place charge you if you fart in the tuxedo? Hypothetically…”

“If you could be any famous historical tyrant, who would you be? I’ll go first…”

“I wish this had more peanut butter.”

“I wish my plaid eye patch went with this outfit.”

“I wish instead of tuxedos, formal wear was like pajama pants and tank tops. Everyone would have WAY more fun.”

“I wish I hadn’t run out of underwear today.”

“I wish it were yesterday so I could do some laundry in time.”

“I wish that genie in Aladdin gave, y’know, REAL wishes.”

“I wish my cat were here.”

“I wish that Koko the monkey taught her offspring sign language. Then this goddamn thing could finally be staffed by gorilla butlers. Thanks, Obama.”

ZOMG! Remember Koko’s Kitten? Cutest book ever!

“I wish I was a little bit taller.”

“I wish I was a baller.”

“I wish I had a girl, who looked good, I would call her.”

“I wish I had a rabbit in a hat, with a bat, and a 6-4 Impala.”

“What did you think of UFC 171?”

“Were you confused when Mr. Feeny told the kids to ‘do good’ and not ‘do well’ on account of its seeming grammatical incorrectness? Were you then amused, but sort of annoyed when you realized what he meant?”

“Did you hear about that thing with Kim Kardashian? I thought it was no haha celebrity gossip is pointless.”

“I have $1.65 in change in my pocket.”

“I can’t name the Vice President. I wanna say Roger Sterling, but that’s probably not right.”

“Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?”

“Do you think Optimus Prime is really Jewish?”

“This would be better discussed over beards and sexy alligators.”

“There was once a man from Nantucket…”

“You wanna talk underrated? Then you gotta start this conversation with that guy who played Cody on Step by Step.”

“Do you have a hard time buttoning your shirt over your Adam’s apple?”

“If Jesus really died for our sins, then I’m going to be fine for flipping off that blind guy earlier, right?”

“Remember when none of us owned land? Wasn’t that weird?”

“Remember when Juliet asked ‘Would a rose by any other name not smell as sweet?’ Ok, do you think ‘would the term butthole by any other name not be as hilarious?’”

“Chillax, bro.”

“Well, that’s how it goes when you got hoes – I. GOT. HOES. I got hoooo-oooes – in different area codes.”

“If everything in your house were anthropomorphized, like in the animated version of Beauty and the Beast, toilets would have to be the sexual deviants of the house, right?”

And finally, if you’re looking to test someone to see if you can be friends, just declare:

“These pretzels are making me thirsty.”

If they get it, you can be friends. If not, keep drinking. Enjoy your weekend.