If you’re reading this on Friday, I’m on my way to New York.

Hey, we’re in New York! I got a gun, let’s go to a Broadway show! Yo, taxi!

In the spirit of this trip, here’s a bunch of random funny crap I thought of in advance of leaving that I’m happy to share with you now. Enjoy your non-New York based next five days… that is, unless you’re in New York too, in which case, wanna hang out? Or, if you have an interesting job, get interviewed?

* This will be my second trip to New York. Having spent the better part of my 20s watching reruns of “Friends” and “Seinfeld,” I can tell you with some authority that New York has way more black people than those shows would have you believe. Other races too! It’s quite colorful!

* I asked a few former New Yorkers where I should go while I’m there. More than one person told me to go to Times Square. Seriously? Thanks for the insider tip! Times Square. Never would have thought of that on my own. Am I pronouncing it correctly? I think I could have arrived on that one by myself. Here’s a tip from me to you… you may have heard about Colorado’s great craft beer scene. My personal recommendation is that you give Coors Light a try. Might as well have a real Colorado experience, right?

*One of the things I’m looking forward to most is re-experiencing the meat sweats. Thanks, Peter Luger!

* Denver is frequently rated as having some of the best public transportation in the country, which I find hilarious because outside of the free 16^th Street Mall Shuttle, I literally NEVER use any of it. I almost become addicted to it while I’m in New York, and sometimes find myself unable to believe people actually live here. It’s just such a crowded, energized experience, I come home to Denver and feel like it’s on Quaaludes or after the apocalypse or something. I see why artists love New York because no matter where you go, inspiration gets all up in your grill.

* It gets so late on the East Coast so early. I just re-read that sentence, and it’s a delightful oxymoron. But it’s true! I feel like I blink my eyes and it’s somehow already 11 pm. I suspect part of the problem is that I’m constantly comparing the time in my head to what time it is in Denver. Wow, 7 pm already? We better eat dinner. Of course, it’s only 5 in Denver – how is it so late here already? Why don’t the time zones shift with me when I travel?

* Here are 10 questions I’m sure every New Yorker would be happy to hear you ask:

“Why is this soda so small?”

“Can you walk a little slower please?”

“Where does the Premium Rush fan tour start?”

“Do you think Carmelo will leave for Miami?”

“Do you know where I can get good deep dish pizza?”

“Someone told me this was an island. If that’s true, where are the palm trees?”

“Is that Woody Allen?” (a good question for when you point at any Jewish person)

“Where do you buy groceries? No, like real groceries?”

“People say you can get really authentic Italian food here. Can you point me to the nearest Olive Garden?”

“I want to check out a Broadway show, but is there anything here that was as good as Cats was?”

* Judging by the weather forecast, it appears that we’re going to luck out again in terms of how it feels. We went in 2010 and hit some of the nicest days New York has to offer. I’m told it’s not always like this, and the masochistic part of me wants to experience the big city when it smells like the inside of a salon that doesn’t know how long to keep people under the dryers and hot garbage juice. I have no idea why I want to experience this.

* It’s got to be weird to live in a city where people are tourists constantly. We have tourists in Denver, but it’s usually dorky conventioneers who can’t even remember to take their badges off when they leave the hotel, or Midwesterners visiting family members taking a day out in the city who take pictures of shit that ain’t interesting. I suppose fundamentally that’s no different than in New York, just on a grander scale.

* We are planning to go to the Comedy Cellar, but I have to make sure to grab a slice on the way there. Otherwise, I fear I’m not doing it right.

* Should I bring up the Rangers?

* Should I ask about the de facto ban on oil and gas development thanks to Governor Cuomo’s indecision on hydraulic fracturing regulations?

* Should I ask if Yoko Ono kept that room of John Lennon’s refrigerated furs in Manhattan penthouse?

* Should I try to drive there, freak out, then complain about how everyone drives like a maniac?

* Should I ask all these questions and paint myself with a big red rube sign and make New Yorkers continue to be suspicious of flyover country?

Maybe I’ll just go and have a good time. See you next week!